bugbums

Jubilee

2008-04-15T23:23:00.002-04:00

So Jubilee turns 13 on the 19th of April.
13 years and 9.5 months ago I began a journey I had no idea about.
April 19th 1995 my life as an adult began.
every moment since then and even before that time when she was growing within me has been a miracle. The day she moved within me for the first time.
The day God told Stephan and I about her and her name.
The day i saw her for the first time.
All the Love all the Love all the LOVE.
The day we fought over the potty.
The day she became the best big sister in history.
Now the day she moves from being a little girl to being a little woman.
The awesome wonder of being the mother of a wonderful human....the friend of Jubilee....the sister in Jesus. I never thought I would be this blessed or this important. To be given the gift of knowing her.
I wish everyone could know her because I truely believe your life would be so much better if you did.

APRIL 14 2008

2008-04-15T12:44:00.001-04:00

Almost one year from the last blog,
oh well
Jubilee turns 13 on the 19th
i am gonna write about it this week cause i am over whelmed

2007-04-24T11:44:00.000-04:00

I know I Know IKNOW!!!!
I have disappeared.
Well I am trying to come back now.
Although the move has been good in many ways....we have seen so many wonderful things. The museum of Civilization. The Harness races. The ice and snow sculptures. Build-a-Bear. And on and on.
I have been slowly running out of emotional energy and have fallen into sadness.
I miss my life and I don't really know how to get into the new one yet.
Until now all my energy has been going into making the house feel like a home and keeping the kids happy. I think I just got tired and I feel like all the juice has been squeezed out of me.
I know from experience that it takes time to build a social structure and we have made a good start.
I know all the truths about what God will do for us and I truely do trust Him to do it.
I know it has gone well but I miss the life I had.
I think I have to just mourn it.
Maybe it will be easier if I do.
I miss all the people that know me for good or for bad.
I miss the comfortable feeling of knowing I am accepted and useful at some level.
And I miss having people to laugh alot with.
I have been suprised and dissapointed by my reaction to this transition. I guess I thought I would just be able to sail past the sad part of the move and run right into the happy new life that is waiting.
Anyways.....
I just thought I should post something so that people know that I am still alive and I am sorry that I have disappeared. I tend to want to fix all my problems alone and then resurface when everything is great again.
But it might take me too long.
So maybe I will be able to work through the process faster if I share it abit.

ICE SCULPTURES

2007-02-18T13:18:00.000-05:00

2007-02-13T18:59:00.000-05:00

2007-02-13T18:58:00.000-05:00

Snow sculptures

2007-02-13T18:50:00.000-05:00

This one is for my sister Kellie. All made of snow. It was amazing.

2007-02-12T18:14:00.000-05:00

THE ANGELS SANG!!!!

I know it is just a dishwasher, but I have waited so long for one. I can not believe what a difference it makes. Even though I sometimes feel guilty using it. But only for a moment, then I sing.

Last Night as I was Sleeping

2007-02-12T14:34:00.000-05:00

Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt
- marvellous error! -
that a spring was breakingout in my heart
I said: Along which secret aqueduct
Oh water, are you coming to me,water of a new life
that I have never drunk?
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt
- marvellous error! -
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs and sweet honey from my old failures.
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt
- marvellous error! -
that a fiery sun was giving
light inside my heart.
It was fiery because
I felt,warmth as from a hearth,
and sun because it gave light
and brought tears to my eyes.
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt
- marvellous error! -
That it was God I had
here inside my heart.

Antonio Machado
translated by
Robert Bly

The Canal

2007-02-12T14:22:00.000-05:00

Hello! We went skating on the Rideau Canal on the first weekend of Winterlude. We skated and ate Beaver Tails. We plan to go back this week.

MOVING

2007-01-27T10:42:00.000-05:00

I AM LIVING MY PERSONAL HELL!! If hell is individually decided then this is mine. Always moving. We had the help of a wonderful friend yesterday who happens to have the use of a large truck. He helped Stephan load all the big stuff last night. Fridge, stove, etc. Last night we slept at the new place and this morning we were able to rent a truck to move the rest. The Budget rental guy totally went above and beyond for us. So now we are loading up the truck with the rest of our 'junk'....I could think of other words to call all this stuff we drag around with us but I am trying hard to keep my mind from going there. Even though I am hating it all I can see how God is helping us through it.
I NEVER WANT TO MOVE AGAIN!!!!!

OH MY GOSH!!! UPDATE

2007-01-25T11:27:00.000-05:00

It is a long and sorted tale but I will condense it.
We move to Gatineau, Stephan got a job in Ottawa.
We are living in a third floor apartment and the people who live below us hate us.
They have complained and we have apologized and then I finally said that we have children and dogs and none of it was a surprise to them. We can not be silent. That was about three weeks ago and today it all hit the fan.
The man that lives down there banged on the door at 8am when Stephan got home from work and lost it. He yelled at Stephan for about 10 minutes and in the process told Stephan that he had been in jail 5 times already and was not afraid of going back. That he was going to 'snap'.
Stephan remained calm.
When he came back home we immediately found a place to rent far from here, called them and went to see it. We hope to be able to move in tomorrow! It is in Barrhaven, a suburb of Ottawa. The rent is more and we had to scrape the money together but it looks good.
So we are on the move again.
I'll let you know when we are back online.

My 40th Year

2006-12-11T19:49:00.000-05:00

That's right. This is my 40th year. I haven't desided what I will do this year in honour of my 40th but I will be going on a trip with my oldest friend and my sister Kellie. In honour of my birthday my sister Kellie and her husband Barry set up this site for me. On it is a picture my son Noah drew for me last year. Apparently if you order anything off this site I get a small part of the profit. I really think Noah should get it though. After all it is his design. Check this place out. http://www.cafepress.com/supermomheather

2006-11-30T22:26:00.000-05:00

ISAIAH 30

2006-11-30T22:19:00.000-05:00

This is a great verse that has been guiding us lately. God is so gracious and faithful to me.

20 Though the Lord may give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your teachers won't be hidden anymore, but your eyes will see your teachers;
21 and when you turn to the right hand, and when you turn to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way. Walk in it."

UPDATE

2006-11-27T21:18:00.000-05:00

Stephan left for Ottawa on Friday night. He got to his friends house Saturday night at about 8pm and everything went well. He drove about 120 so only spent about 16 hours driving. The Nut. He started his new job today but it was only orientation. He will be home for Christmas because he has 5 days off starting December23rd. He will get in his car the evening of the 22nd and come to Thunder Bay to spend Christmas with us. Then we will all get in the car on the 26th and drive to Ottawa. Between now and then Stephan has to find a place for us to live and I have to pack up the house, do some painting and say good-bye to our lives here. 27 days and counting.

2006-11-09T11:07:00.000-05:00

BOXES BOXES BOXES BOXES BOXES BOXES BOXES BOXES !!!!!
This is my life at the moment. Putting our lives into boxes.
I realized that I did not mention the details about our move. Stephan got a job at the Ottawa General Hospital. Full time full benefits. A position we could not pass up. The hospital here in Thunder Bay doesn't have positions like this available. So he starts on the Medical floor November 27th. He will have to leave here on the 24th and the plan is for him to come back and get us around the 28th of December. We have a lot of things to figure out before that so we would love it if you could pray for wisdom. Stephan also has to find us a place to live that is close to the hospital and will allow our THREE dogs. Also pray for Stephan who will be without us for Christmas and the whole month of December. We are sad about that.

2006-10-26T20:50:00.000-04:00

What do you think of when you think of Ottawa?

politicians? The buildings? Rideau Canal ? Well in the future maybe you will think of me. We have decided to take a job there and I am trying to deal with it. It is a good opportunity. Something we must do but it will be difficult. So when you think of Ottawa think of me and say a prayer. I think I am going to need it.

(able)

2006-10-18T00:33:00.000-04:00

TRUST(able)
LOVE(able)
WANT(able)
CHERISH(able)
LISTEN(able)
CARE(able)
FIND(able)
HOLD(able)
LEARN(able)
KNOW(able)
MANAGE(able)
BEND(able)
FORGIVE(able)
WORTHY
I am trustable and able to trust
I am loveable and able to love
I am wantable and able to want
I am cherishable and able to cherish
I am listenable and able to listen
I am careable and able to care
I am findable and able to find
I am holdable and able to hold
I am learnable and able to learn
I am knowable and able to know
I am manageable and able to manage
I am bendable and able to bend
I am forgiveable and able to forgive
I am WORTHY of all these things and more.
kissable, believable, liveable, likeable,

PLANTS

2006-10-01T14:48:00.000-04:00

I have always loved plants. I have always done a good job at keeping them alive. There are those people who kill all plants they touch. I have never been one of 'those' people....That is until now. In the last few months I have managed to kill almost every plant in my house. Even the spider plant and it was really big and nice. The African violet my dad grew for me, the avocado plant I grew from a seed....And a few other nameless lovely plants. I feel really bad about it.
It is interesting how things slowly get out of hand and you never notice it until one day all the plants are dead. I guess I was neglecting them. It just isn't like me. That made me think about all the other things I have been neglecting and why. I guess life got stressful and it kinda crept up on me. In the last 6 months I have killed all my plants, gain unwanted weight, the basement is a disaster (always a sign of trouble in my life) I haven't been cooking or baking very much and lately I have been cutting my hair(always a sign of discontent). If you have been looking at my blog you will notice that I haven't been inspired for a long time. To me these are all signs of death in my life.
Life has been overwhelming lately with all the changes we have been going through and all the stress that brings about. I haven't been handling it very well but I didn't realize it till all the plants died and I got fat and I can't keep the basement organized. I know this might all sound kinda silly but all these little things together tell me things about myself. You probably have similar triggers. Maybe you never thought about it. I never did until all the plants died. So i am paying attention now. Trying to stop killing things and getting my act together. It's the little things.

WINE

2006-10-01T14:36:00.000-04:00

Stephan has been making wine....
He loves it.

I think we have about 300 potential bottles fermenting right now.

Reds, whites what ever you like. So in a few months we should have a big party....are you comming over?

What's been going on?

2006-09-30T21:29:00.000-04:00

Well lots has been happening and nothing all at the same time.
We sold all the puppies which is great.
Stephan started his full time job and we are getting used to the new schedule.
Lately we have been looking at a house we like. We haven't been able to get a mortgage yet but we are working on it. On that note I have been feeling a bit over whelmed with life. There have been so many changes and all so quickly. I feel like we are suddenly adults. Maybe it was easy to pretend we weren't while Stephan was in school but now....full time job, a car, maybe a house. Time to grow up. Maybe even pay taxes. I just want to take a big step out of all of it for a moment. So I can get a new perspective on the whole thing. With so many decisions to make I just don't want to make a mistake.

2006-08-30T15:35:00.000-04:00

Noah's Pirate Birthday Party

He actually had a great time with his friends and food and presents and all that party stuff he just hates pictures.

ARRR MATIE!!!

TOO MUCH RUM?

2006-08-24T13:13:00.000-04:00

Hey I've been away......I am back.....for better or worse.

THE SKY IS THE LIMIT?

2006-06-21T22:45:00.000-04:00

I'm sure you have heard this before. Or maybe you heard something like it. For instance 'You can do anything you set your mind to' or 'You can be anything you want to be' . Sometimes it comes out differently. 'If you study hard you can be anything'. 'If you work hard enough at it you can do anything'. Who came up with this 'stuff'. What are we telling ourselves. What are we telling our children? Can you be anything you want to be? If you work hard enough can you do anything you want to? Can you fly? Can you lift twice your weight? Can you change your eye colour? Your height? I can't. I can not be anything I want to be. I can not do anything I want to do. I have always wanted to be a tall, graceful woman. I am 5'1 and though I try I really am not graceful. I have always wanted to paint or draw what I see. But it is not in me to do it. My children will not be able to do anything they want to, they will never be what they were never meant to be and neither will I. I believe my job is to help my kids see who God has made them to be. My job is also to help the people around me see who they are meant to be. I think I can do this by being full of God's grace. Maybe this way I will be graceful and maybe a bit taller too.

FLOWERS...I LOVE THEM

2006-06-13T12:09:00.000-04:00

Kellie's birthday present...
don't tell her.

2006-06-12T15:30:00.000-04:00

K.... Here is the real car.
bad picture.
but there it is.

VIBE

2006-06-11T19:08:00.000-04:00

WE BOUGHT A CAR.... THIS CAR....THE PONTIAC VIBE.
I AM TRYING NOT TO FREAK OUT!!!

GRAD

2006-06-02T10:45:00.000-04:00

WE DID IT!
STEPHAN GRADUATED MAY 27TH.

CULTURE

2006-06-02T09:48:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking about culture lately. What is my culture? I am Canadian. I am part of the Christian community. I am part of the Lower Class. Does this define my culture? Does this define me?
I have spent some time in other cultures and this has made me think. Every country and religion has its own culture. Even within each culture there are other cultures. My Canadian experience has formed me and frames my life. My 'culture' tells me what is right and wrong, what is good and bad and how to form relationships and keep them. It tells me how to speak to strangers and neighbours. How to order a pizza, even how to use the toilet and clean myself. Canadians do all this in a different way than other cultures do. The sub-culture of my family or ethnic heritage even dictates how I hear what other people say. Married couples deal with this all the time. After all a marriage is really the coming together of two different cultures. It is an invisible cloak that we can not take off no matter how long we live within another culture. It will always form our opinions and beliefs.
So all this has made me wonder what is wrong with my culture and what is right. What can I learn from other cultures and sub-cultures. This brought me to one thought. What is God's culture? What does He want? What is the Heavenly culture that I one day will know? Can I know it now? I believe it is true that all Truth comes from God. I believe that every culture and sub-culture on earth owns a piece of His Heavenly culture. I want to find it all. I feel like I see everything through a fog. Knowing but not quite understanding. Wanting but never having. I truly feel the shackles of Earth regarding this topic.

MAN!

2006-05-03T23:35:00.000-04:00

So I went to church on Sunday and my head and my heart are still so full. I feel stuffed.
The topic was Children's Ministry and it was all great. Really way to much for me to absorb all at once. About half way through it all I had one thought....... when God looks at my kids He doesn't see them the way I do. God is not limited to time and space the way I am. When He looks at my kids He doesn't only see them as they are 'NOW'. He sees them without the limitation of time and space. When God looks at Noah He sees him as a man. The man of God he will be. All his potential realized. A strong, loving, giving, worshiper of the Most High God. God sees Noah as a man, a boy and a baby all at once. Everything he is and everything he will be. God sees Noah as he will be in eternity. This is too much for me. My head hurts. I want to see my children this way. God grant me this gift.

Love

2006-04-26T16:13:00.000-04:00

To Love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it careful round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-- safe, dark, motionless, airless-- it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.......The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers ......of love is Hell.
--C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

I Don't Know

2006-04-20T22:04:00.000-04:00

I Don't know what to think and I Don't know what to say.
I Don't want to offend but I have to get it all out. I
went to a Catholic Church on Easter Saturday.

Apparently this is a very important day in the Catholic calendar. I went because two of my nieces were baptized into the Catholic Church. They are not infants but because they were not christened as babies they have to be baptized now. The reason for baptisms as I understand it is to rid them of original sin so that if they die they will not have to spend so much time in purgatory. That in itself was difficult for me to handle. The very idea that the God who made the world...The universe would need a child to be touched with water to be rid of original sin. As if what Christ did on Easter Friday was not quite enough. It makes my heart ache. During the Mass the congregation also prayed that all the saints and the apostles would intervene for them in Heaven. That they would put in a good word for them. At the end of the Mass was Communion. Which I and my children, who are seen as infidels, were not allowed to partake. It made my heart sick. There was no beauty in the service. There could have been but it all seemed like a performance. I Don't really know who the whole thing was for. Surely not God. I felt like it was all for the people. The woman behind me knew every response and on the realization that I and my children did not, seemed to say everything all the louder.

But in my arrogance I began to think about how I 'do' church. Do I make people feel unwelcome? Do I think if I know all the words to the songs I have achieved something? Is it all just a performance for me? If I see someone who does not know the words do I judge them? When a person who has been raised in the Catholic tradition comes into my worship service do they feel like an infidel. I hope not. I want to do all I can to help them feel God's Grace. To see His Love. To touch Him and be touched by Him. Like I said I Don't know what to say and I am so full of this feeling. I have to work it out a bit more I guess. Maybe you can help me with that?

2006-04-20T16:06:00.000-04:00

Peace is not the absence of trouble.
Peace is the presence of God.

Unknown

HEY

2006-04-16T20:38:00.000-04:00

I was reading over my posts from last month and I realized something.
I think there is some kinda power or something to writing stuff down.
I wrote about Pressing In and I am definitely being tried in this area.
In fact I am pretty sure I got somebody else's goo on me and now the trick
is getting it off me. I didn't realize that when we press together sometimes
it gets messy and people get gooey.
It is like to old joke about never praying for patience. Perhaps God was
preparing me for what was to come. He is so faithful. It isn't over by a
long shot. I am right in the middle of........I don't even know what to call
it but I know I am in the middle. He has been faithful all along and I will
trust that He will be faithful to the end.

KISS

2006-04-13T23:43:00.000-04:00

I was kissed this week.
A gentle passionate kiss.
A soft touch to the forhead.
A gentle whisper of a touch.
A whisper of a Love.
The love of a Lover.
The Lover of my soul.
A moment of eternity.
A gift.
A kiss.

Processing

2006-04-13T23:30:00.000-04:00

Sooooo I am processing STUFF and I think I am doing okay.
Sometimes it is difficult to be honest with myself.
But that is really what I want...honesty...well mostly.
In reality honesty can be scarry.
Do I really want everyone to be honest with me?
NO!!!!
That would suck.
I need to be honest with myself though because I think that if I am God is more powerful in my life. I think He lives and moves in Truth and that is what I want.
I realized a bit of humility this week and then I felt proud of myself for it.
Ha Ha.
Honesty is brutal.

SHEESH

2006-04-01T19:52:00.000-05:00

I am tired today.
Been kicked around abit.
I have done the right thing and got the wrong response.
So here is the question.
When I am put under pressure what should squeeze out of me?
You know what I mean.
If you put stuff under pressure stuff squeezes out.
If you step on a bug the guts squirt out.
If you squish grapes you get wine (eventually).
But what do you get when you pressurize me?
I know what I want to come out but is that what really happens?
When I am under pressure I want Jesus to squirt out of me.....BUT.......
I fear that all that comes out of me is squishy rotten ME.
I am sad about that.

POSSIBILITIES

2006-03-29T21:46:00.000-05:00

I love you much.....
and I want to please you.
But YOU is not ME and I am dying in this transformation.
So I must be freed- in spite of what you want--- what God wants is better.
Your insecurities can not hold me anymore.
POSSIBILITIES

Pressing In

2006-03-25T08:11:00.000-05:00

When I think about it, all we really are is a warm, squishy bag of water that is self propelled and self determining but we each have this awesome responsibility....No, gift of carrying within this bag of goo a priceless thing.
A piece of eternity. A part of God. A soul.
So here we are walking around a shrouded soul and we say things like.....'I don't have time for relationships', or 'I don't want to go to any kind of Ladies Bible study group or Men's fellowship', or 'I don't want to get hurt'......that one really confuses me.
When did it become all about 'I'.
What is your purpose here anyway?
God does not need you.....you are not indispensable. He was doing just fine before you came along. He doesn't need you to sing His praises......there will be time enough for all that later.
He doesn't need you to enjoy His Creation.......there are things that no mind can conceive waiting for us.
So what is your purpose?
I think it is simple....You are the body of Christ. It is your fleshy goo-bag that God needs. You are His body. His legs, His arms, His tongue. So how are you doing with this? Is that how you approach everyday?
"I am the fleshy goo-bag of God!"
In this Light how should I approach relationships? Truth is I will get hurt. It is ridiculous to think anything else. But what if all of Life was not about me? What if I need to be God's arms and legs to the people around me? What if my small piece of eternity, the small part of God I carry with me can add life to another bag of goo? I could be the one being that can speak God's words to a destroyed soul. I could be God's hands that reach out to a crushed spirit. I could be God's legs that walk alongside a breaking heart.
What if we all pressed into relationships not with the need to get but the longing to give. To give life and love and understanding.
It is in times of happiness and health that we need to build circles of support so that when life begins to hurt....And it will.....We are there to press into one another. To hold up each other with God's hands. To speak God's words.
Press into Life
Press into relationships
Press into fellowship
Press into each other
and maybe in all that pressing our souls might touch and where we touch God is.

Precarious

2006-03-24T22:13:00.000-05:00

Precarious;
I stand on the edge.
Teetering, unstable,
Giddy, insecure,
vacillating,

wavering.....weak.
BUT
You hold me in the palm of Your hand.
You know my secret name.
You

here we go!

2005-10-17T20:14:00.000-04:00

So... where are we going?
Places I would like to go....... Any place were the food is good and I don't have to
do any laundry.
Winnipeg were my sister lives and I think i could see
something more interesting than..... well.....here.
I'd like to see the grand canyon.
I would like to be somewere beautiful and peaceful and lovely that
smells good and nobody yells or wants or needs. I think today
I long for HOME/Heaven.